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BaDaSsNeWbIe_Da_Chengsta
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Name: Cheng
Country: United States
State: Nevada
Metro: Las Vegas
Birthday: 12/19/1990
Gender: Male
Interests: Sleep....
Eating...
Sleep....
Sleep....
Sleep....
and then theres TV, Music, Video games, basketball occasionally, and ANIME ANIME ANIME
Expertise: Sleep, Sleep, Eating, Sleep, more Sleep, and other things that I put my mind to.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Engineering
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  MiRoKu AHLM
Yahoo:  BaDaSsNeWbIe
Member Since:
11/29/2004
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| Once upon a time, I wished to be her hero. Once upon a time, I wanted nothing more than to shield her from the evils of the world, as I could see that they were all headed in her direction. I was too late, and she died. She died her death, and I died mine. And now, I once more look upon her ghostly spectre, and I wonder sometimes...what if I had prevented all of this for her? What if there could have been something done? What if I could have made her life slightly better? The possibilities are endless, and thus they are troubling. I've long since given up any hope of ever being with her, people who are dead are gone. They're gone forever. The old her will never come back. Yet I mourn so much, I tell myself that she's still there. I say that she's still there. She's still there...but she isn't. A part of her might be. It might be a tiny, small sliver of the original girl I knew. It might only be less than that, but I can't help but mourn for her suffering. Why did the world have to target her? More importantly, why hadn't I done anything? I once swore to myself, I'd never ever give up on her. I once drilled it into my heart and carved it upon my soul...I etched her name across my very being and swore an oath of loyalty, something that I pride myself in. I doubt she'll read this, there's such little chance. Hell, even if she reads this, she'll have no idea I'm referring to her. It's just like the old days. I wish it were the old days once more, though. I wish I could go back to the old days. I wish I could go back in time, and tell her that no matter what, I wanted to protect her. I wish I could have been less selfish, and less evil. If only I had the valiance I had now, I could have prevented her from becoming who she has to be today. Shyness is an evil that antagonizes what love embodies. The passion that I once spoke so highly of was not strong enough in me to override the shyness. Rather, a strange reaction occurred as the shyness and the passion formed a synergy and suppressed the expression of love even further than shyness alone could have. Day after day, I'd gaze after her and her brutish and undeserving boyfriend, whoever he might be, for anyone with her other than me was undeserving because no one else could ever love her the way I did back then. I could look upon myself from back then, and the feelings he felt for his love dwarf anything I could feel right now by magnitudes of difference. No feeling I can ever generate will surpass what I felt back then. Thinking back on it, it seems small. What I felt back then I can never feel again. However, looking back on what I wrote about her...the emotion I put into that, I felt a small part of it once more as I read it. And the strange thing is, I never expected to feel differently about her than how I felt at the time. It's almost as if I expected to love her forever and ever. How many times does a person need to stab you in the heart for your heart to bleed so much it is incapable of loving that person any more? Only 3 times. I think about this, and I thought about how I hated her for a period of time, a period of loathing, in which I only fooled myself. I told myself that I didn't love her. I told myself that my passion was hating her, not loving her. I told myself that she didn't exist in her former self anymore and that the person I loved was no longer alive. I failed to recognize that I only needed to stay by her side. I only needed to tell her how I would be there no matter what. I only needed to protect her, and nothing more. All I wanted was to protect her, and I should have realized that. I should have realized that protecting her came first, and if her love came along with it, that was all the better. I'm taking a heart dump right now because I can't take it anymore. This must be typed and this must be expressed. I won't have this going on inside any longer.
I only wish I could have persisted. She stabbed me once, then she stabbed me once more. I looked back, and she gave one last pierce and I couldn't take it any longer. My heart for her bled to death, and I grew to dislike her enough that I could stop loving her. I just couldn't believe that the angel I so desperately wanted to save pushed me away so violently and carelessly. I feel the impressions of the heartbreak to this very day. It hurts, it still hurts. It hurts even more now that I didn't help her. It hurts.
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| School's about to start. Goodbye free time, hello nonstop procrastination time.
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| Anyone still on xanga? Oh well, not like anyone cares anyway...I think I changed quite a bit this summer. There's something--someone--with a lot of influence on me, and I think I have been humbled a whole lot.
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| Seriously, my hand hurts so bad.
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| My sleep schedule has gone to hell. GG.
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http://members.lycos.nl/nivani/wallpapers/starcraft-24.jpg
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